


I Can Do Anything

by nerdypipsqueak



Series: Fictober 2019 [21]
Category: Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drabble, Fictober 2019, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 21:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21125768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdypipsqueak/pseuds/nerdypipsqueak
Summary: Fictober prompt: “Change is annoyingly difficult.”Set in the "Princess and the Knight" universe.A scene from chapter 10 of "The Princess and the Knight" written from Lawrence's perspective.





	I Can Do Anything

"Would you like me to run you a bath?" Ali asks very softly, his voice still thick with sleep.

I nod, I don't have it in me to talk yet. I'm exhausted, the nightmares, they're a constant, nightly occurrence, they're absolute horror and they deplete me. They'll never go away, I suppose, I'll be their prisoner till the day I die.

Ali heads off to run my bath. He's so good to me and I can't fathom why. I'm a complete mess, a disgusting, filthy, unstable mess.

It's been over a year, I should be better now, I should be good. But I'm not. Mother and Bob make sure I don't forget that.

_What is wrong with you?_  
_You need to man up, stop moping and get job. Then you won't have time to be sad._

I don't want to be like this, I don't enjoy being like this. I don't like having nightmares. I don't like being triggered by the mere smell of somebody's cologne. I want so badly to get better but it's hard, annoyingly hard, to be honest.  
I'm annoyed with myself. For being like that, for being weak. I would sell my immortal soul if it meant never having another nightmare again.

Ali presses himself against the wall of the bathroom when I come in.

_See?_ A nasty little voice hisses inside my mind. _You're so repulsive he can't stand to be near you. He's trying to disappear._

No, I tell the voice, it's just a very tiny bathroom, that's all there is to it.

_Keep telling yourself that._ The voice hisses back.

"That's nice." I say out loud, looking at the bathtub. The water's purple and smells strongly of lavender. That is very nice indeed.

"I'll leave you to it." Ali detaches himself from the wall. I can feel the heat radiating from his body.

Good Lord, I miss Ali, I miss the intimacy we once shared. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust Ali. I let him tie me up and take me apart. I let him touch me the way no one had ever touched me before.  
I miss Ali's hands, I miss his lips, I miss how safe I used to feel wrapped in his arms.

"Wait!" I take a step forward, I'm right in front of him now and he looks at me with such tenderness and love... I press my lips to his and it's... oh, it's sweet and gentle and so _warm_... I want to carry on, to give him more but my brain is starting to reel and I have to retreat. "I'm..."

"It's alright." He says. "Now get in the bath. It'll make you feel better." 

The water is very hot, almost scalding. I like it that way, it feels like all the filth that's attached to me is being boiled away. 

"I miss you." I say loudly. I've purposefully left the bathroom door open so he can hear me. 

"I miss you too, princess." Ali replies. 

"I want to touch you, you know. But... but it's like... I'm scared that if I do I will somehow contaminate you, that I will soil us both." I fumble with my words. "I'm... My body just doesn't feel right. It's very frustrating and upsetting. I mean, it's been a year, more than a year actually, and I should be better by now, shouldn't I?"

"Princess, what you went through is enough to kill a man. Yet you survived and every day that you carry on is a massive fuck you to those monsters. There is no set time for recovery. Everybody's different. Some people only need a year or two, others need three, four, five. There's no shame in needing more time to heal."

"I just want things to be the way they used to be. For me, my work, for us too. I want to feel like me again."

"I know, princess, and I will help and support you every step of the way."

"My gallant knight." I smile to myself and slide underwater. 

With Ali I can do anything.


End file.
